


ever colder (always bitter)

by hidefromeveryone



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Ambiguous Route (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Angst, Character Study, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt, Felix Hugo Fraldarius is Bad at Feelings, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Pre-Timeskip | Academy Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), no beta we die like Glenn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:53:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27116377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hidefromeveryone/pseuds/hidefromeveryone
Summary: Ages ago, before Felix's life became nothing but a tangled knot of grief and fury, he knew how to love other people.(Or, Felix is forced to confront old ghosts upon arriving at Garreg Mach.)
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33





	ever colder (always bitter)

**Author's Note:**

> i've logged way too many hours in fe:3h since august. but it's fine, because i wrote this. (right?)

Ages ago, before Felix's life became nothing but a tangled knot of grief and fury, he knew how to love other people.

He knew how to correct Dimitri's form as they messed around with wooden training swords when they should have been to bed hours earlier.

He knew how to silently support Ingrid's fierce desires as she refused to bend to her father's wishes, picking up lances and axes and any other weapon that fit as naturally as a book in-between her calloused hands.

He knew how to smile at Sylvain's antics, laugh at his incessant jokes, make a promise about dying together because the thought of living without his best friend for a single day was more than he could bear.

He knew how to love his father, his brother, his _life_. Hell, he even knew how to love himself back then, when he could barely hold a sword and the beginnings of a scowl never lived long on his face.

But Glenn died, and love left his life because Felix could never reciprocate what he shut himself off from ever receiving again.

Love was dangerous, made of blood-stained daggers and broken promises that the heart could never heal from. If he didn't allow it to exist in his life, then Felix could wake up in the morning, tie his hair back, pick up a sword, and train to become the best knight Faerghus had ever seen from dawn to dusk without a single thought in his mind except _excelling_ at the one thing he could still do. It didn't matter that Dimitri had become unrecognizable, twisted by his own pain into a monstrous beast lusting after whatever form of revenge crawled into his head, that Ingrid had locked herself away for months because she couldn't stand the future laid out in front of her without Glenn, that Sylvain had formed a facade of his life made up of women and a lack of care for his own life.

They were the complete opposite of everything he'd come to know since childhood, the respite of their friendship now nothing more than a hollow routine. Focusing on the matter left his knuckles bruised and lungs aching alongside the exhaustion that accompanied perpetually sobbing with a fist shoved between his teeth to block the ugly noise at the source.

It was easier to sever ties than to keep the past alive through its living ghosts, constantly acting as though nothing had changed despite the twisted memories haunting their names.

🗡️

He should have known, once trapped at Garreg Mach, that interacting with everyone he'd successfully avoided for years would be inevitable.

That upon waking and dragging his body down towards the dining hall, he'd run into Dimitri's bright smiles, Ingrid tying her hair back as he passed by the stables en route to the Knight's Hall, Sylvain flirting with a different girl than the day before on the lawn outside the Blue Lions' designated classroom.

They were everywhere, and nowhere, and Felix soon found himself sheltered within the training grounds more hours than not simply to avoid them.

🗡️

And it worked, to an extent, until several weeks into the academic year when Dimitri unceremoniously sat himself across from Felix in the dining hall. A plate of fish and rice covered in curry wafted a heavy current of steam into the unkempt blonde ends of the noble's hair. Felix turned his gaze away from Dimitri's smile, prodded at his half-eaten steak that was torn to pieces and drowned in salt on the scratched copper of his own plate, and prayed to Seiros or whoever was listening that the Boar's mouth wouldn't open.

But it did, and out came a kindness that Felix had no right to indulge in.

"Felix! It's been too long. I was beginning to feel as though you might have been avoiding me," was followed by an awkward chuckle, the sound of Dimitri's fork slicing clean through his fish, its pink juices infecting the white grains of rice before he could mop up the mess. "I was wanting to discuss some elements of swordplay with you - "

"No."

Dimitri's brow furrowed, a frown surfacing before chivalry kicked in and wiped the sour expression off his face as quickly as it had appeared. "I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you properly."

"You did. I'm not interested in helping a boar become a better killing machine. The extent of your slaughter would become truly unbearable."

Felix stabbed his food once, twice, three times before leaving his fork standing upright in the remains of his meal. The shredded layers revealed a half-severed artery the butcher had missed. A sneer covered his grimace.

"I'm sorry to admit that I have no idea what you're talking about, Felix. I'm only trying to mend whatever fracture previously occurred in our relationship prior to us both arriving at Garreg Mach this year."

"Don't pretend. I've seen who you truly are and you're not any different from the bastards we're supposed to be fighting." Felix stood, noting Dimitri beginning to mimic his action. "Don't follow me, I have business to attend to that's none of yours."

Half of Felix expected footsteps to follow him when he left the dining hall, a sound Dimitri had never learned to properly mask.

But a gloved hand on his shoulder as Dimitri halted Felix's movements never came. He left without resistance and found himself kicking his desk in anger before Felix had even processed his arrival back at his dorm. He kicked it again for good measure, a small jolt of pain coursing through his foot.

Good. It was better that he didn't follow and force Felix to engage with him as if the past four years were nothing but a bad dream.

As if two years ago Dimitri hadn't turned into something else, too close to demonic, right in front of Felix's eyes without remorse.

Felix picked up a spare sword from beside his textbooks, turned the grip in his hand, and left for the training grounds without a second thought.

When he entered, and noticed Dimitri wasn't there, Felix felt something too close to disappointment stir in his chest. Because Dimitri had only wanted to train because he knew Felix would be there, as always. 

He snuffed it out, before it could grow into a wildfire, and destroyed the stale air with his blade until the late evening hours met their early morning partners.

🗡️

He should have known, been ever the wiser to the fact that Ingrid would find him after he rejected Dimitri in the dining hall.

Yet, it didn't occur to Felix that Ingrid still cared enough to do so until her knock sounded mere minutes before sunrise the following morning.

He contemplated not answering, pretending the shadow creeping beneath the rotting wood of his door was one of the phantoms that the younger academy students liked to scare each other with stories of. Her knocking sounded once more, louder and much more incessant, as the shadow dipped and swayed across the floorboards. Felix placed his lone pillow, flattened into nothing but a square of cloth, over his eyes and acted as though the sounds reaching his ears were borne of dreams instead of reality.

An indignant huff sounded, and then: "Felix, if you don't open the door right this instant, I swear I'll —"

"You'll what, Ingrid? Threaten me like you do Sylvain? You know that won't work on me." Because no matter his strength of will, Felix could never have ignored her. Not again, after he buried his body under the midnight sky when news of the Tragedy of Duscur arrived and Ingrid came by seeking comfort from the only Fraldarius brother left alive.

Silence, then: "If you truly feel that way, I'll leave you be. But I know you don't want this anymore than the rest of us."

"Want _what_ , Ingrid," Felix's bite sprung forth unbidden. "Don't pretend you can ignore what he's become, what all of you have done."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Felix," Shame? No, genuine confusion clouded Ingrid's tone. "Please, just open the door. This would be much easier if we could talk face to face."

"It would be much easier if you _let me be_ ," Felix stood and walked across the room, stopping before his closed door. His shadow mixed with Ingrid's until it became impossible to differentiate where one ended and the other began. "Or would you prefer we waste the morning fighting when we both know your time would be better spent training. After all, you don't have much of it left."

A low blow, even for him. Felix ignored the way his heart clenched and closed his trembling hands into fists. He kept his gaze steady on Ingrid's shadow and focused on keeping his breathing steady.

"Goodbye, Felix. I'll see you in class," Ingrid said, but her shadow remained painted on the floorboards beneath his feet. She wasn't leaving.

A moment passed. Felix closed his eyes, a sigh escaping his lips, and by the time he reopened them, Ingrid was gone.

He sank down to the floorboards, resting his spine against the corner of his desk until his legs grew numb from inactivity. Digging his fingernails into the unresponsive flesh, Felix waited for his mind to stop spinning before slowly rising once more, donning his uniform, and beginning the day.

Later, when he happened to catch Ingrid's eye across the Blue Lions' classroom, Felix ignored the red splotches around her eyes and the way her mouth hardened at the mere sight of him. He returned her distaste before focusing his attention back on Byleth's lecture about how to best utilize allies on the battlefield in order to maximize damage dealt against an enemy.

When the lecture ended, and Ingrid carried herself out of the room with Mercedes and Ashe in tow, Felix squashed the slight longing that arose within him for her to turn heel, stalk over to him, and demand an explanation for his earlier behavior.

It's what she'd always done, whenever she'd caught him and Sylvain wrapped up in another one of the latter's stupid ideas. She still did it for Sylvain now, constantly keeping him in check as best she could.

She'd never been one to respect Felix's wishes for privacy, had always been willing to drag him out of his head and into the present moment.

But now? She had listened and left Felix alone, as he'd grown used to being.

Because this was easier.

Dimitri brushed past Felix, laughing at a comment from Dedue. Not even a spare glance was thrown Felix's way.

Yes, this was easier. The hatred curled around his heart hummed in argreement.

🗡️

Up to his elbows in fresh dirt and barely germinated flower seeds, Felix used the low evening light filtering through the greenhouse's windows to guide his actions. There was a serene sense of calm in planting them, the kind that usually only arrived in the midst of battle, and Felix allowed himself to revel in the oddity as he buried the last of the seeds beneath the soil. Satisfied with the care they'd all received, Felix passed over his work once more before turning.

The smile that had found a home on Felix's face fell away as he blinked, unable to fully comprehend the sight in front of him.

Sylvain, with a pot of white roses in his hands, was frozen in the greenhouse's entryway. A few smudges of dirt were scattered throughout the redhead's hair, turning his usually bright locks into a muddied shade. He opened his mouth as if to say something, before closing it once more.

There was no easy way to speak to your best friend for the first time in years. Rather than bridge the silence himself, Felix turned back towards his finished flowerbed and tightened his grip around its stone edge. Shocks of pain ran through his aching fingers against the cool marble as a result, but he didn't loosen it.

He should have known that even the greenhouse wouldn't have been a safe place within Garreg Mach to escape to. The sheer improbability of running into Sylvain here, in the one building on campus that he was least likely to be found in outside of the training grounds or cathedral, had left Felix's guard down.

The fallout of Felix's silence was inevitable, after all, and it had only been a matter of time before Sylvain would question him too.

Felix wrenched his eyes shut as the sound of Sylvain's footfalls approached him, their familiar sound stirring an ache in his chest he'd fought off for too long. Only when the noise ceased to exist as quickly as it had began, mere feet from Felix himself, did he open them once more. The thorns resting beneath Sylvain's roses rested within the edge of Felix's vision.

They blurred as Sylvain cleared his throat, a nervous chuckle following the action. Felix furiously blinked away the cause of the obstruction, saltwater stinging his tired eyes. It threatened to burst forth as the white petals continued to dance in front of his irises.

"Could I trouble you for a bit of advice? Seeing as you obviously know what you're doing." Because of course. Of course Sylvain would act as though nothing had ever happened between them.

"Why bother? It's not like you'll check up on them," Felix said, his normally irate tone seeping into pure fury. Over flowers. God, why did they have to do this _now_?

Sylvain pushed his pot deeper into the soil, disrupting some of Felix's newly planted seeds and tearing up a nearby dandelion plant. Felix watched the torn yellow petals settle between them.

"Why do you hate me?" Sylvain asked. "Or, at least, why don't you hide it anymore?"

Felix can't stop the scoff bubbling up in his lungs from escaping. "I don't hate you."

"Funny, I didn't know that verbal abuse and avoidance were the hallmarks of friendship these days."

"Because we're not, you fool." Felix tilted his head in Sylvain's direction, watching hurt bloom across his face. For the first time, he noticed dark circle hidden beneath his eyes that matched Felix's own.

"How long have you felt that way?"

"A while. Leave it be and move on with your life, Sylvain."

"No, Felix, I — This is the first time we've spoken since —"

"Don't you _dare_ —"

"Felix, it's been four years."

"Why should that make any difference? The fact remains that you decided to side with _him_ after it happened."

"Who - Dimitri? He's our _friend_ , Felix. Or have you truly forgotten the meaning of the word in between learning how to best stab someone through their heart and brooding like a cat that got caught in the rain."

"I'm not brooding."

"Sure you're not. You only refuse to speak to any of your closest friends for years, hide away from even your _father_ , and do nothing but train for hours on end as if the whole world depends on you being slightly faster or stronger to not fall apart." Anger had entered Sylvain's tone and Felix knew he was entering territory that he shouldn't, that he still had time to pull this conversation away from the edge but —

"What do you care?"

"Because I care about you, Felix! Don't you remember the promise that we made all those years ago?"

"Of course I do," Felix spat. "And it's not my fault that you're liable to break it first."

"What do you even mean by that?"

"You're the one acting as if your life doesn't matter. As if it's okay to fight for a cause when the only place that ever leads people is to their own grave. Stop acting like your life is disposable and maybe I'll be more inclined to pretend it still matters to me."

"At least I'm living mine." Sylvain's hands were buried in the dirt before them, tearing up every seed Felix had so carefully planted as everything finally fell apart.

"Right." Felix tried to right some of the uprooted seeds only for Sylvain to throw his hands up in exasperation, scattering dirt everywhere.

"Why can't you just," Sylvain cut himself off with a groan. "Why can't you accept that maybe, just maybe, it's okay to move on! To try to be happy and enjoy some aspects of your life before we all perish in a stupid war someday."

Felix bit through his bottom lip, drawing blood. He turned to leave the conversation, but Sylvain caught hold of his arm before he had a chance to create any distance between them.

"Is becoming stronger really all you want, Felix?" Sylvain seemed to be searching for something within Felix's expression. "Or is there nothing you love more than your own ego and sword?"

"Of course there is, don't be ridiculous." Felix leveled a glare at Sylvain.

"Then prove it," Sylvain said, closing the space between them. His face came to rest mere inches away from Felix's own.

"Why?" It's not a refusal of his demand, not really, because Felix's finger was jabbing Sylvain's chest in an instant. "You should already know."

Confusion settled in Sylvain's eyes before realization dawned, the air settling into quiet between them. Felix didn't have time to think before his hands were wrapped up in Sylvain's shirt, twisting the fabric tightly between his fingers and pulling the other man towards him.

"Just kiss me, you idiot," Felix said, dropping his hold only to grasp the edges of Sylvain's face between his hands. His rough calluses caught on barely-there stubble left over from Sylvain's likely last-minute morning shave. He didn't hesitate before placing his lips against Sylvain's in a kiss he'd been fighting ever since he was a child and promised to die by his side.

Sylvain doesn't resist, melting into the embrace. His hands, entangled in Felix's hair, begin pulling strands forth until it's all down and framing the harsh angles of his face. He's pushing Felix back against the flowerbed, laughing when they stumbled and fell into the dirt. The flowers Felix had planted last moon, already blooming into purple hyacinths, wilted under their bodies as their scent intoxicated the air around them.

Moonlight streamed through the stained glass window behind them, illuminating their bodies lying in the foliage, while Felix's desperation resulted in kiss after kiss. Sylvain's pulling Felix's hands away from his body too soon, and he's climbing out of the flowerbed, and _oh_. Felix was crying, flower petals embedded beneath his nails as he clawed at the dirt beneath him, willing it to be Sylvain's reciprocation once more.

"Felix, are you — are you alright?" Sylvain's hesitation brought reality into the moment and Felix stiffened as, suddenly, all he could do was _feel_ for the first time in ages.

Pain, hidden away in every nerve of his body, waiting to scream at a moment's notice. Exhaustion, brewing in his lungs, taking away what little energy guided him through the day. And sorrow most of all, pouring down his cheeks, tightening his skin and burning away every wall he'd built since the news arrived that the only family member he'd ever trusted to accept him wholly and without remorse had died.

So much for training to become a stoic knight, when all Felix could do was go limp in a flowerbed made of ruined beginnings and unwelcome realizations.

"Felix?" He noticed Sylvain's uniform was ruined, stained by the dirt. Felix, taking in the ruined state of his own, felt the stutter of a laugh break his silence. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, Sylvain." And maybe his voice was too high-pitched and breathless to come across as anything but slightly unhinged, and Felix couldn't stop laughing, but "Everything's _perfect_." He doesn't even have the energy to invite venom into his inflection of perfection, and the word fell flat in the air like a forgotten confession.

Sylvain's touching his shoulder. Felix flinched away before the contact had a chance to fully resonate, impart any warmth or comfort into his being. His bones rattled as Felix buried his face in the dirt. Hysterical was probably the right word to describe him right now, but Felix simply allowed every choking sob mixed with laughter to fill his lungs with more filth than he already carried. The wet soil beneath him would water the flowers, restore the lives he'd already fucked over.

"C'mon Felix, just let me —" Sylvain's pulling him out of the flowerbed and setting him down on the tiled floor of the greenhouse. Trying to stand results in Felix slumped against the wall with a whine. "Felix, it's okay."

"No, it's not. It never will be."

"What are you talking about? I don't — the kiss, that's okay. You know that I —"

"Don't say that you feel the same way. If you did, you would have done something before now."

"Felix —" He shied away from Sylvain's touch, ignoring the sigh that resulted from his action. "What can I do?"

"Leave. That's what you do best. Go find some new girl to fuck around with for half a moon before abandoning her too."

"If that's what you want." And Sylvain's hands, holding Felix's cheeks as if he'll break with the slightest movement, were too gentle to resist as lips found his again like the brush of death itself. The kiss only lasted a moment before Felix jerked his head out of Sylvain's hold, bashing it against the stone wall behind him. "Just know that I love you, too."

Sylvain left, leaving Felix collapsed in the greenhouse. An hour passed, or two, before he stood and salvaged the remains of his ruined flower seeds to the best of his ability. Grasping the base of Sylvain's roses without care, their thorns left small wounds in his palm as Felix buried them in the middle of it all. If blood stained their petals, Felix couldn't find it within himself to care.

He passed by hushed voices upon returning to his dorm. The sound of Dimitri's stilted comfort and Ingrid's endless logic were easier to ignore that Sylvain's pained tone, but Felix managed to block out all of it because love wasn't made for him.

Not anymore, when the only person left worthy of it didn't even care enough for his own life to protect it on the battlefield.

🗡️

The next day, Felix noticed Sylvain resting his arm around the shoulders of a girl whose navy hair and tired eyes were too close a mirror of Felix's own sorry reflection. He turned his eyes down, walked past them into the Blue Lions' classroom, and failed to notice Sylvain dropping everything just to follow him.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: @hidefromeveryone
> 
> flower symbolism for sylvix greenhouse scene:  
> *white roses - new beginning, young love, eternal loyalty  
> *yellow daffodils - rebirth, loyal love, unrequited love  
> *purple hyacinths - grief, sorrow, regret
> 
> comments keep me alive. if you'd like to see a part two of this with felix slowly learning to let the others back into his life, just lmk and i'll add it to my never-ending list of wips T__T
> 
> or, just scream with me about fe:3h if you'd like. i hope you enjoyed reading!


End file.
